Your vagina is a self cleaning oven.
I think my favourite thing about cubicles is the fact that I can pick my nose at work
Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
You drew a self portrait of yourself on his wall with sharpie.
We're friends. And when I drunkenly send u a pic of my left testicle i would appreciate a response.
If for any reason you were wondering if i was going to vomit at the airport today, the answer is yes.
they still hired me even though my background check came back with a warrent for my arrest.
Thanks for the cold. I shartted and sat through a whole soccer game. James made 3 scores.
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
If my dick was big enough to fuck the eye of a hurricane, I would.
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
I actually talked to his parents last night about it. haha. I had a bottle of smirnoff in my hand, I'm sure they took me serious.
Bahahaha I just turned on the fan in front of the elliptical to avoid puking//try to get some baywatch hair going and the guy next to me thanked me because he was "getting nauseas from the smell of stale sweat and tequila"
The school better be open next year. I’ve been FB stalking Dads of my incoming students and there’s serious DILFage in this class! Maybe 2020 will turn around!
It’s 2020. You’ll probably get knocked up. If you’re really lucky you’ll just get the clap
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