i just spent the last half hour thinking about my totally irrational and intense hatred of wedge flip flops.
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
she made me put on a condom before giving me a handjob...this is why i hate freshmen
She just took off her shirt and jumped in the kiddie pool. We're not leaving.
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
im just sayin im driving an hr to pick her up, just cause shes your gf doesnt mean i shouldnt be entitled to a bj
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
we tried to steal a tractor last night. you should have come out.
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
Pants-less sunday? Also I'm high and independence day is making me cry
im coming over
I tried to interpretive dance to Candy Shop to stop the awkwardness.
Eric and I just went in the hallway to practice our new handshake in a real life situation at live speeds. That high.
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
Bro you were on fire last night...like a less Irish version of Liam Neeson
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
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