I'm jealous of your bromance
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
how am i supposed to spank it to a shakira video when she looks like she is doing the robot?
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
Now i know why people get high. I sat in the same chair for about 3 hours and the only thing i worried about was how far away my chinese food was.
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
...She was shooting whiskey using a turkey baster...i was horrified.
Who's the easier target... Bandages on the knees, tramp stamp, or bra showing? Not in the mood to work for it tonight.
I went down on her on the dining room table. That should count for something.
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
Good Morning! You are sterile right?
Have you ever gotten such awesome underwear you wish you didnt have to wear pants?
did you know that sneaking into a golf course at midnight is a felony? the cop made sure to tell us after she peed on the course and hit on him
Mom just walked in on a bj. IT'S WHATEVER.
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
Randomize
