at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
Cruel joke of nature. Hair on head runs from face, and hides on various parts of body. Aging sucks.
were with a gay guy with a minnesota accent. think about how funny that sounds.
So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
Yea went to the bars and he called me 2 hours later with random people saying he is at a place that i don't think exists
it looked like a condom graveyard when i woke up. they were everywhere
my dad is going to jail this weekend
where are we going to get our weed from?
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
I'm not asking you to commit. I'm politely asking your penis to be my friend.
Talked to Nate, told him he was a douche. Will give details when sober. It's ok. You're my best friend together a wolf pack. Olive juice.
And then he said "if you were planning on bird feeding me that's not ok"
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
Haha idk you were stealing pizza dough at dominos
Randomize
