Swine flu. Run for my life!
and then he ordered a "diet and rum" like the most important part of the drink was the diet.
I dont ever wanna see you tell my little brother to "spread the seed" ever again
neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
You should fuck with them and beat off in the cup and then walk out an be like, "This was a sperm donation right?"
its kind of scaring me that i am turned on by tom cruise in rock of ages
Wearing scrubs to buy plan b so I look like I have my life together.
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
The tit pic search didn't go as planned, some old guy sent me a pic of his balls and said stop texting his daughter. Better luck tomorrow
I think you are severely overestimating being able to get your lingerie back by posting the lyrics of Irreplaceable
I feel sorry for the person who's phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I'm giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day
I buy a new bowl every time I get a new guy. It's retail therapy.
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
I’m really regretting these suede pants.
Randomize
