if my college career had corporate sponsors, they would be natty light and aim toothpaste.
i feel like his penis is a security blanet. i cant fall asleep unless its in my hand
We are taking shots off of spoons and listening to Mary Poppins.
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
I think my goal for this black wed is to not scream at an off duty state cop in a bar after trying to flirt with him. No need to make that an annual tradition
Just finished my quantum homework in ladies room writing with eyeliner. I am the party/physics champion.
I'm gonna do some tripping... In the direction of balls
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
The sad thing was my husband told her its ok to make out with me. Bar Tuesdays will live on regardless.
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
I've never seen a guy eye-fuck someone so hard in my entire life. I thought he would develop laser vision, bore holes into your body, and not even realize your innards would be spilling everywhere. That's how bad it was.
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
My tights ended up on the driveway folded neatly. Any ideas how that happened?
I just blew thrown up hashbrowns out my nose. That's the level of this hangover.
I found out he hated a girl that I hate so I fucked him. My reasons for fucking guys are getting bad.
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