What are we going to do tonight?
What we try to do every night. Take over the world
Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
I'm saving my limes so I'll know how many drinks I've had.
I do the same thing, but I use ice cubes.
Try denying you're gay when "I'm Not A Girl, But Not Yet A Woman" comes on Shuffle.
Could someone please kill snooki before she contributes to the gene pool.
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
We are winners. And by winners I mean home wrecking sluts
Isn't that what our 20s r for?? Testing the strength of other people's shitty relationships?
He recognized me by my ass from about 15 yards away. I must have a REALLY nice ass.
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
I'm not pregnant. Security came before he could.
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
I just remembered you throwing bread at me and getting me to drink water out of a heineken bottle. You are my best friend.
I told you that you should stop drinking and you responded "Thanks for telling me how to live, North Korea!"
HE PEED ON ME. THE MANAGER OF THE BAR.
Randomize
