I think rescheduling my finals around when Im going to be hungover is responsible
I'm going to practice throwing things up the the air and catching them between my boobs, because that seems like a cool party trick.
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
Apparently I'm the last girl he had sex with. That was over a month ago. If he can go that long without sex then he's clearly not the guy for me
He recreated the night that started all my mothers days. We shared a joint, drank Boones Farm, and dry humped to the Beastie Boys. Then I cried over MCA's death. Best. Gift. Ever.
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
This is my life. Enjoy the view
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
I'm on a party bus with a stripper pole with middle aged women who have all started drinking
God bless your soul.
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
really enjoying the fact I don't remember how the staff party ended. feel like I need to shame drink today
feel at noon?
Randomize
