When I was her age, Pluto was still a planet... but i said what the hell
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
Slow dancing with the chandelier.
Batchelotette party success. I woke up on the floor in nothing but a thong, a garter and a shirt that says Just Do Me.
Yo, I totally had forgotten you were CA. Thank you for making my life easier with modern medicine.
He compared my vagina to his favorite T-shirt. I don't know if I should take that as a compliment or not..
You can't give me tequila around boys who have girlfriends. That ain't new.
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
Turns out I screen transfered my streaming trucker restroom porn vid to the downstairs neighbors'TV instead of my own, damn you chromecast
Where you at? Come home and endure this shit show called "The Second Presidential Debate".
You shouted “im bobby labonte!” In the process of shoutgunning a beer. He said you were too redneck for him...
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