Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
Dude you spent the last hour of the night in the bathroom crying, asking someone why you will never be as smart as Mr.Feeney from boy meets world.
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
Dude I could put my dick between the gap in her teeth.. This is the last time we are hanging out with Kentucky girls
I need a hobby that doesnt involve alcohol and my tv
They had to restock the bar 3 times before midnight. There is a bridesmaid dress hanging in a tree outside.
Let me start this apology by saying I'm sorry that I bit your penis.
we've called him dos banos ever since he threw up in 2 separate bathrooms with the same puke
I'm just going to eat until there's an actual reason why he wouldn't want to fuck me.
and then i signed some dudes back with a turkey hand print in honor of thanksgiving
I didn't want to but I was drunk in a Disney bathroom with her and had a weak moment.
All I want is to get as high as I did that time I started hallucinating that my brother was becoming a monkey and I saw my mum on every surface of your room.
I fucked my ex boyfriend to get shrooms for you guys
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
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