Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
I've never been so embarrassed. It's like waking up as Fred Durst.
I posted my balls on ericas instagram. It got 17 likes.
Every time you started making out for him we all cheered for you... that's what sorority sisters do - they cheer you on when you make bad life decisions at the bar.
Idk tell her to wear something sluttty. I have that one skirt I got arrested in if she wants to borrow?
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
It's like if a cloud had tits and you laid on them.
You don't know scared until you've just begun the first stage of an acid trip till a guy on stilts with a creepy mustache and beard says "enter the Forrest"
are you just sitting in your hotel room drinking popsicle vodka?
.....well anything sounds bad when you say it like THAT
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
Not exactly hook line and sinker right away, but I'll give him a second chance. I should sext him me in my blue shark onesie.
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
I wanna borrow his axe at this point and cut my head open just to relieve some pressure
Randomize
