I just saw the host of Singled Out do standup. Holy shit 1995.
This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
Clearly I made an impression.
Or at least your vagina did.
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
I wasn't trying to be rude when I hurriedly walked past you, but I can not put in to words exactly how bad I had to shit.
Either I'm paranoid or I swear my parents rigged my house so you can never sneak in or have the munchies without being loud.
I'm just gonna yell "SURPRISE ME" and see what happens. No way this could go wrong
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
Just Peed in a cup for my country. Fighting the good fight.
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
Can I pee and smoke my bong at the same time or is that like eating on the toilet
Omg I got up from his bed and almost did a header into the wall because I came so many times I forgot how to walk.
He’s basically a sexual superhero. A mild mannered marketing intern by day, but a very horny 22 year old with pornstar stamina at nights!
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