I just wish we had the ability to download food from our TVs.
i gave him head before the novacaine wore off...i think his penis touched my lung
I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
Don't do anything you wouldn't want to explain to paramedics
But that's half the fun of it
I'll be on pinterest all night planning crafty things to do with my cats in 10 years.
I just found your ripped underwear on my chandelier. Care to explain?
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
Pants are for mortals
Ok, not to minimize the significance of that beautiful anecdote from your childhood, but here's a video of my penis.
Shotgunning beers in the shower. Mom would be proud.
I have filthy fantasies involving his tongue. My vagina almost exploded while he was licking that ice cream cone.
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