I feel like i'm in the derek zoolander school for kids who can't read good.
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
There are regrets in my world today- mostly jager at that fucking altitude
That's the girl I met who was peeing on the driveway with me. We bonded
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
your house isnt even gonna be on google maps after this party
How many people slept in the bouncy castle last night?
4 guys, 1 girl. Pretty sure were gonna have to pay the cleaning fee
She can't brag about all the anal sex she has and then expect me not to awkwardly stare at her boyfriend when she brings him around
I was packing a bowl naked and her dog just stared at me with pure rage
Just sitting in the tub googling "how to remove sharpie from skin". You?
He took my necklace off while we were 69ing. His tongue never stopped moving either. Take that, guys who can't figure out how bras work.
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
Oh and he asked if I would occasionally still blow him if we had children. It was so romantic.
i haven't seen you in two years and we have like 16 hours, all i want is cuddles, wine, and some light groping
Randomize
