i sleep in a fine layer of vodka and semen. i don't know that that would appropriate for a pajama rally.
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
Dude. My sister is off limits. Touch her again and I'll rip off your dick and force feed it to you.
I accept this challenge.
I was looking at your puke while I was peeing in it the next morning and that ceasar salad did not treat you well
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
She insisted we fuck to Ludacris, not how I imagined popping her lesbian cherry would be. I tried delt and I liked it.
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
He went to cum on my stomach and somehow it got behind my ear. He's like a fucking jizz Houdini.
nothing out of the ordinary. you aplogized for having a spicy vagina and passed out
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
Wandering around the streets of Baltimore at two in the afternoon. Just offered a job as a stripper. Think I should accept?
Try an internship first, see if you enjoy it.
Gameplan: If the cops show up, find a potted plant to hide behind... It's worked before!
Randomize
