My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
True Life: I hate vaginal excretions
If you're missing hair this morning, i'm sorry in advance
I want to tell you about my weekend in person so I can see your look of judgement and disgust.
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
Because you know it would be fucking amazing to get trashed and shatter the dreams of 12 year old girls. I might get a shirt.
I feel like I need to get rid of the black eyeliner, glitter, and tequila breath before I to that world poverty conference..
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
fuck it. im taking monday off to do some Jagering.
I was like a migrating bird last night. Navigating on pure instinct. Don't remember how... but I made it home.
Something about Sunday night screams phone sex
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
She asked the bartender for "7 shots of something fruity" and long story short the bartender punched me in the face. Chivalry is stupid.
I'm still alive btw, in case you were worried about my well being.
My "birthday sex" consisted of approximately 25 seconds of him going down on me in the shower.
Randomize
