my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
Drunk, high, and in a taco costume. Wish you were here.
You were dancing around the clubbing yelling "best wingman ever" and raising your cast in the air
You guys can't keep having sex with them and cleaning their house! They're never going to take you seriously!
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
I kind of learned that hotels are unnecessary. Boys will just take you home, but that's tough with a group. I believe in us, though.
it's almost 8pm and i'm still hungover. at what point do i alert someone?
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
My suggestion is that you just get high and set shit on fire
You want to know how I feel? I feel like Cady Heron pushed me in front of a bus last night.
Also, I don't know if it's the drugs I'm on or not, but I truly believe I was hypnotized last night listening to an audio book.
Is it awkward to pay for your boob job with scholarship money? Either way, it's happening.
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
I woke up wearing nothing but my red thigh high socks and a blue wig. I have no idea what happened.
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
Randomize
