btw, your gf is going to want to talk to you today...and consequently you're probably not going to want to talk to me...just a heads up
Her boobs were tiny. I could have used her bra as a blind fold. Which in hindsight would have made things a lot better.
I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
Just come back with most of your limbs...and your dick. Please and thank you
Duuuude. Everything is so brilliant right now. This frosting is freaking orgasmic.
It's vanilla, man. Accept no substitutes. There are so many t's in that word.
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
Look. You've gotta stop making this about you, and make it about my vagina.
Solid teamwork gives us a good shout of both bringing home trophy cougs
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
Can't we have real sex instead of you just thrusting the air near me?
I try new drugs instead of new boys. That way you can't scold me about the importance of condoms
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
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