I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
They refer to his house as "the abortion clinic". Cant wait.
im kinda looking forward to winter break. ive been away from home for so long i think i can trick my vagina into thinking that these arent the same people ive been hooking up with since high school...
I made him sleep with a condom on and i passed out on the carpet with only a bra on.
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
Why is Kyle using one of my nieces as a blunt object to provoke and attack my other niece?
He visits one Denver strip club and now hes moving there
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
I'm gonna play eenie meenie at the bar tonight because it's women's day and I deserve the dick
But I am still fully ok with my life choices as long as the consequences aren't onesies and pacifiers
It's routine now. He comes home from work and i ride him like a cowgirl with only a few sips of wine. I love being his neighbor.
Also I like oatmeal more than sex.
my personal favorite... An "I'm sorry you broke your finger and cant play sports for awhile" blowjob!
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