smell like capt'n and strawberry champagne
I heard it from a little bird bananas is gonna be there
Is this bird reliable bc I don't wanna be wasted running around the bar asking where bananas is
Dude i dont know how people can complain that waterboarding is such a bad thing. I just sat through a fucking puddle of mudd show. Now thats torture
I admire the strength of friendship we have that allows for sharing husbands.
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
yolo... Doesn't that stand for 'shut the fuck up'?
Okay. So my choices are the sleeping Guy who looks about twelve and a man that looks like he was the original sandman. Im gonna need a beer for this......
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
I don't know if we can compare high school reunions anymore. The keg stands started before 7.
also my alarm just went off. I am always amused at what time drunk me decides to wake up.
I saw a kitty kat get finger blasted on the couch by a Bulls player
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
Randomize
