Riding home in a carseat. Worst. Night. Ever.
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
Fuck him tonight for the both of us. We're still tag-teaming in spirit.
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
yeah that's what i said...you fucked him and peed on his comforter
yeah well...Like any great yacht, I leave a wake
I mean he gave me an 'I owe you an orgasm' fist bump
Do you think I'm short enough to dress up in a ghost costume and go trick or treating and have people believe that I'm actually a child?
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
The only thing I know is that these arent my shoes and Aaron is missing and he has my house keys.
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
I didn't really understand how big 10 inches is. Now I know.
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
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