I kissed a girl and did not like it. Now I hate Katy Perry even more.
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
There is booty call etiquette, and he just isn't following it. I'm not making you breakfast, gtfo.
I think I just gave my niece a weed pinata...
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
You don't know weird until you've had a musical wet dream about your older brother.
Kelly and I just had sex, and you didn't call or text to interrupt, are you alive? We are both concerned.
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
My parents are now taking hits off a joint. Thank you.
Randomize
