Last night we hooked up in nothing but out UK shirts during half time. Never say I'm not a dedicated fan again.
splinters make it hard to masturbate
I incognito puked under the VIP table. Did Jersey proud.
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
All I saw was a purple blob and poking out from under was part of a green shirt. Took me a minute to realize it was him under that beast.Thought I should ask if he was actually breathing and conscience but then I saw him slowly exploring what few brave men have done before.
And I just found out I called my debit card a fast food passport so I dont deserve to live
Stop touching yourself.
Wtf!?!?!?! Did you install a camera???
Oh by "being festive" I mean make tacos for dinner.
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
Do you remember seeing anyone put a "my other penis is a vagina" bumper sticker on my car?
How drunk were you? in an effort to seduce him, you demonstrated your lap dance skillz on his dog.
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