Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
he fucked my hip out of place.
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
am i so blindsided by his great personality that i'm hooking up with an ugly guy?
i thought you knew
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
I have a cracked rib, no way in hell I'm bottoming for him tonight!
That was the night, like, my hair caught on fire...
I just want to be like i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it
She may be more beautiful than I am, but I bet she hasnt pissed in as many public places as me...
That was the second worst thing to happen to my asshole.
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
I wish I were single again so I could actually have sex.
Calm down I'm not kidnapping the bartender
I am in the parking lot of CVS in Auburn. I think a truck full of Plan B and regret just arrived.
Randomize
