He wouldnt get hard, then started talking about his ex wife. I literally rolled over and started to cry
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
So to distract myself from jackies vomiting, im making up a story in my head. It's called the little penis that could
Maybe he'll be famous someday and I can forget that anything embarrassing may have happened and just say that I fucked that famous guy.
I noticed a trail of vomit coming up the drive way. You must be home
I got really high and googled the history of Amish people for like an hour.
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
I'm like going proud parent over you doing drugs, this is so wrong.
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
I woke up next to a box of cheese bread it was super romantic
He’s 21. The president of his frat. I’m 28 and have a career!
Do it. It’s a noble position.
I think I may have just hit a new slutty low! ..... Just purchased the Costco pack of condoms... $9.99/48 pack = amazing deal! The judgement when I bust out the value pack = priceless!!!
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