haha I love it when I find out that girls who were mean to me in middle school are now some random dude's baby mama. thanks, facebook.
They're giving me a hotel, and this chick doesn't have a place to stay for the night... I swear this is how real life Porno starts.
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
pretty sure I offered to blow her dad. she's not speaking to me & he won't stop winking at me.
my six pack is really starting to show since I started fucking everything that moves
This is breast cancer awareness month... The least we can do is give a stripper some singles.
Pot head idea of the day: make a maraca out of weed seeds. Or a rain stick? Definitely rain stick.
My pubes were yanked out by the root when they got caught in the condom. I think it's time for a bikini wax.
It felt like Party Santa dropped by and gave us two more 18-packs.
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
Well. I guess talking about me stealing your wife may not be in the list of legit conversations
He just pulled out my weave during sex....needless to say I'm embarrassed and in need of another shot pronto
Martha Stewart has had a one night stand and is unsure if she's had a threesome. I no longer feel slutty.
if you guys find pieces of my teeth don't throw them out please
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
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