my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
Princeton has an emergency contraception worldwide website. It is in moments like these that I love my university
these two guys are about to go shot for shot with syrup
now he is talking to a potato
I just beer bonged a sparks. You better get your ass over here because no one is on my level yet
why is there a clump of hair nailed to my wall?
Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
Did you write your name in the dust on our toilet tank?
I was really stoned haha. I had sex with her while I cooked scrambled eggs.
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
I think we should roll her a welcome back, sorry your godmom's on life support blunt.
im sure shes a lovely person but i cant be friends with someone that doesnt drink. its just not right.
I fucked some frat guy. Then I found my brother after and made him take his shirt off and then I made him tell me he loves me
i asked him to talk to me in french while we fucked and halfway through i caught the word 'lasagna'. turns out he was making his grocery list.....i asked him to keep going.
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
Randomize