Send those Picts to my email please. From last night
Ps thx for the porn on my phone
;) ur welcome
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
you were passed out in your cheese fries by the time he brought out your second order of french toast.
Dont worry about the blood on the pillow. its from my face.
Sprained my ankle at sky zone REST ICE COMPRESSION ELEVATION AND SHOTS it'll all feel better soon
Party was cancelled. Me and my dog are high as tits. Wanna go roam the outlet mall?
you were leaning up against the wall pulling your shirt up asking girls to dance on you. your courage to do that is both admirable and frightening.
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
So I thought the party was crazy before his pinky came off...
Eating a grilled cheese at a strip club... good idea??
She asked for references to decide whether she wanted to have sex with me. And she was serious.
She drunkenly dropped her ranch for her pizza. She tried to clean it up with her hands off the street then realized it didn't work and started licking her fingers.
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
Randomize
