By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
He legit asked if he could come over for a hug. I feel like I've been booty called by a 12 year old.
I wonder what it's like for my roommate to live bicuriously thro my sex life
i mean let's face it...the pregnant girl was really slowing us down.
The bartender just hugged us goodnight. I think we go there too often.
Just purchased ketchup, body wash, and lube. Hope you're ready for the post-memorial-day-cookout-shower-anal.
You know our reunion in two weeks shall be a drunken bikini clad magical adventure right
On Friday, can we drink like its Civil Wars times and the doctor's coming to saw off our gangreen infected legs?
sex, shower, sex, ice cream sandwiches?
i can do like, 15 pushups. 20 if i listen to dubstep.
I haven't had sex since the Vanilla Ice concert
Please don't have sex ever again just so you can say that forever.
woke up hungover this morning lying in a water raft covered in water.. i dont know if i should consider this good or bad
Donated a pint of blood at 6 and pub crawl started at 7. Thank your lucky stars I'm still alive today.
Randomize
