Came home to a chalk baord that read:" Think like a rapist." Can't say I'm surpirsed.
We have had massive layoffs this year, yet the guy who cant flush his shit seems to still have a job
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
I thought it was kinda weird that her ten yearold sister was playing bartender, but hey, the girl makes a damn good drink
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
Preparing for wine wednesday. How would you feel about improvising and starting a white russian wednesday tomorrow instead? you know, shake things up a bit.
Somewhere along the night we ended up at a food lion giving jello shots to high school girls.
I know you claim to have a large penis but I do not believe in what i cannot see. Sort of like god.
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
It's cool, I power napped on the dryer while they were fucking in the bathroom so I'm good to go now. Where are you?
Like wrapping my dick in silk, wrapping that in velvet, and putting it in a cloud. A warm, tight, wet cloud.
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
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