Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
sometimes I tug on my anal hairs for pleasure
you've officially gone too far. we are no longer friends
i study at coffee shops because all these damn artsy people motivate me to work towards a real job.
being a part time student has turned me into a full time alcoholic.
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
I don't know what's happening. Everyone is wearing beaks.
no, forget the keg and come see this. prego pants here is dunking chicken nuggets into pudding and crying over a cat show on animal planet.
screw it, I'll just be a stripper until next August when then are looking for suitable teachers to teach the future of America. it's like a feel good movie just a little out of order and im a dude.
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
Announcement: Given the sad circumstances regarding the death of my dearest friend Chong the Bong, there will be a brief memorial service for him tomorrow evening at 10:30 at my place. After sharing some memories and sending his spirit off to the great bowl in the sky, we will all take place in the commemoration and maiden voyage of his son, Chong Squared, who eagerly waits to meet all of you. High blessings to you all, piece be with you.
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
My dad just saw me take dirty one night stand underwear out of my purse. I'm willing to admit I have a problem
Today I learned that when you lick a mans butthole, you get wined and dined at a nice french restaurant.
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
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