I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
you know when i was in school the girls definitely did not have the tits the 15 year olds have now. so unfair.
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
I think it was our ex-neighbor Mike. He leaves Taco Bell outside our door a lot
He'll drop off his extra tacos at our place bc he's super high when he orders & can't eat them all
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
I think I'm about to have sex with a second person before noon hehehhe! You're welcome America.
You know your in for a great weekend when you buy the booze already in crutches
And before you get all mad cause I said "nipples," I actually discarded "you are so wet right now" and "you have such a raging clit-on right now."
That's called being sensitive.
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
No more margaritas for you. Also, tequila should be reclassified as a hallucinogen.
Don't I can pass these orgasm blushes off as sunburn for much longer...
It took me an hour to walk from my drive way to my front door... what the fuck was in that weed?
Note to self, the correct response when a guy tells you he likes you as a person is not "ew"
You know your late night booty call was a huge fail when you go back to your car after it's over, and it's still warm.
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