Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
do you remember how we all fit in that bathtub?
tequila
it was worse than that time i tried giving evan head 4 days post nose job.
i need gas-x and some way to take back every single thing i did last night.
im gonna put my furry chinchilla vagina on her mother effing nose
I can't wait until next week, when I find out what drunk me added to the Netflix queue.
can you come back were all locked out and alyssia's still inside passed out on the floor but more importantly i left a beer in there that's not finished
I agreed not to hook up with any randoms while she's on vacation, if that isn't a show of good faith then I don't know what is...
You throw up behind 1 mannequin and it's world war 3 in forever 21
Take the weirdness of Japan and add the insanity of Florida and that's Jimmy
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
These morning walks of shame have became my morning jogs
I stole the butter cup cuz i brought home my rolls and chicken and didnt want the butter everywhere. I miss your body because its amazing.
We walked 3 miles to the strip club. Stopped for roadies, it wasn't that bad.
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
Randomize
