Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
Peach margaritas. And fuck whatever you're about to say, the girl to guy ratio is like 6:1. I need those odds
He kept spanking me and talking about biomedical science.
Aw, you fucked a pre-med? you're moving up in the world!
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
So much beer in the passenger seat the seatbelt light is blinking
I love you more with every blowjob.
You should write for Hallmark.
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
While looking for socks, I found my mothers sex toy box. Dear god I finally understand where my kinkiness comes from.
Got high with dad and hunted squirrels in the basement. Is this seriously what my life has come to?
So apparently they remodeled our middle school. Looks like we'll need to find a new roof to play beer pong on this summer.
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
I want to meet people. Preferably ones with penises
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