drinking warm bud heavies i found in the garage and googling how to tell the gosselin kids apart.
I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
you know its bad when everytime i put on a shirt i think of who i hooked up with in it
All I heard was "I swear it'll be funny" and then we were in jail.
WHAT IF you could get pizza delivered to you IN YOUR CAR while driving somewhere. Like moving roadside service.
You're High aren't you?
Sooooo high
I really hope you are not drunk feeding a raccoon.
YOU ARE SO GOD DAMN LOUD AND YOU'RE SHAKING THE GOD DAMN HOUSE. FUCKING STOP.
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
I just had my first lesbian experience. Out of spite.
Literally just napped at strip club. Don't know how long
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
Woke up with a girls naked next to me I had her thong on somehow.
Randomize
