He fingered me while we both sang the fresh prince theme song.
Marry him
At what point last night did I start ordering doubles?
Right after we had the just friends talk..
you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
the tow truck driver and i bonded while discussing our experiences with four lokos
i would bitch about being this hungover, but honestly im just happy to be alive after this weekend
i swear, as soon as they invent a cure for herpes, he's mine.
I said I usually like going out for coffee before torturing someone's genitals. He said he understood.
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
you said "this ones for the homies" and proceeded to pour the shot into your other cup instead of the ground b/c "good liquor is not meant to wasted no matter the circumstances"
I ended up in a bathroom giving my hymen a pep talk
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
I just realized that the first thing he ever bought me was Plan B.
Randomize
