I'm not a mortal combat character
but my vagina is
When he came he kept saying "oh god oh god" and he sounded just like his dad. awkward...
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
i left the icescrapper in his bathroom. i dont remember taking it there, but i remember brushing his hair with it.
and everything will be beautiful and nothing will hurt and we will eat nachos
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
I'll explain later but basically I was feeling dangerous, I'm dressed as Ann Romney and Ann Romney is a bad bitch.
She's calming us down by shoving oreos in our mouths
His brother just asked him in all seriousness if it would be cool if they became eskimo brother brothers.
what do you mean i can't make cookies with a blow dryer? challenge accepted.
NO ITS THAT IM A SEXUAL DEVIANT AND CANT FILTER MYSELF
you face planting the wall was epic
did you at least save my tooth
Jungle juice breakfast? No? Ok.
Whose the chick running for dorm president promising bigger dicks and softer toilet paper? That’s who I m voting for
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