apparently they started giving me water shots and i couldnt tell the difference
I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
his penis was crooked so i rode him at an angle. he seemed used to this.
my vagina's been through so much this weekend
you mean so much has been through your vagina this weekend?
Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
just tried to pee in the sink at wendys...need to stop letting my drunk habits get into my sober life
Sorry I never showed up last night. It was between spending time with you and our freinds or having violent multiple orgasims. I chose the low road.
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
At one point we were both in the bathroom and i was taking a shit while holding your hair as you puked in the sink. Friendship.
I pack a first-aid kit when I DD for you. What does that tell you about your partying? For what I see and do, paying my food and gas for the night is a goddamn BARGAIN.
I left at 4:30 in the morning and I told him it was because I had to take my contacts out
So you realized he wasn't actually cheating on you and now you're trying to unfuck things. Or in this case unfuck Tom.
Randomize
