so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
she must wash her vagina with a dirtier vagina
not sure what i find more disconcerting, your text or the fact that i recognized that as a dane cook quote
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
Should I tell her she gave me head in the kitchen while I was eating a cupcake or would that hurt her dignity too much?
I'm a busy girl. All I wanted was noncommittal sex a few times a week
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
I feel like he has a double life, why was he walking around at 3 am with a backpack?
Last night must have been awesome because I went to get in the shower only to find the bat symbol drawn on my chest
That happened during battle shots lol
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
I have 35 pounds of pennies. Need any?
wait he has a twin??? which one did you fuck
yes
Whatever douche. I sucked the dick that made you. I. Win.
Well, I have no idea where my underwear is, so yea I would say it was a good weekend.
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
Randomize
