my girls lil sis wanted to play hide & seek. she told her 2 go hide. we went to the room and had sex. she was hiding under the bed.
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
You hopped on the counter after puking, and told us you were wearing bare feet and didn't want to be alone.
You were in subway at 3am showing everyone your tan lines
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
That awful moment when there is no more beer and you find yourself considering tequila and aloe juice.
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
I think my favorite day of the week is the day we get to fuck
Showed up 15 minutes late and curtsied when I entered the door if that puts perspective to how my first day is going
After we hooked up, his roommate shouted "I LIKE TO HAVE SEX TOO" from across the apartment
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
I hate when I wake up and find my vibrator next to me. Such a waste of an orgasm...getting myself off in my sleep and not remembering
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