You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
i mistaked the back of her knee for her vagina
well you can't waste a boner
did you know that snuggie is the perfect anti-freak out aid for stoners? it weighs you down so you can't go anywhere. just sit there and enjoy the movie, that's right.
I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
You're so wise. You're like my sexual Grandmother Willow.
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
Hurry there's four guys dressed up as a bachelorette party, one has a condom veil and the rest are selling candy bouquets and asking if anyone wants to get laid for $5
You were asking her how her mother would feel if y'all dated, etc. And I was yelling at you your girlfriends name over and over again in between gags and sobs.
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
Come to this bar
But I'm full of food.
MAKE ME FULL OF YOUR DICK
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
Pretty sure I love my nipple piercing more than I'll love my children someday
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
Randomize
