nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
she stopped mid-blowjob to explain how to acheive the haircut shown in the movie
He told him to "throw up in my mouth like I'm a baby bird."
I probably looked like a mental patient. I had my IV in one hand and cup of pee in the other, swaying around with a dazed grin on my face. I love vicodin.
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
If I had cancer, and got to make a wish, id make the organization force your dad to fuck me.
The straight guy here is hot. He described himself as Christian grey without the money and my vagina fell out of my body
Once again I am on the toilet and refuse to get up
What a great time to reflect on life
I told the guy that if he didn't put enough pepperoni to earn the name " pepperoni feast", that I was gonna sue him for all he had. Believe it or not, that's all I remember.
LOVE ME MORE THAN PIZZA CAN
Hahaha she was way into you and you kept arguing about burritos. It was amazing.
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
I just thought you should know... Instead of a glass of wine before bed I am having a few shots of 1800. This is what being a night shift nurse will do to you... Standing in your kitchen in your undies doing shots
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