Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
Peanut Butter and turkey sandwich...this may come back to haunt me
This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
Dude give me 4 good reasons we shouldn't trade girlfriends tonight
I'm pretty sure whiskey overrules bulimia in the eyes of Texas boys
We got back together. The pastures weren't greener on the other side, the dicks were just smaller
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
We've completely outdone ourselves. We packaged a collective total of six grams of pot and salvia into little bowl-sized tinfoil capsules. It's totally impossible to tell which is which without comparing, every Friday from now on we pick one out and see what the fuck happens
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
I kinda took a step back after our "surprise bottles night"
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
I just realized. I havent even gotten a paycheck from this new job yet and already laid one of the girls most of the dudes are after
My cats name is now jello shot. How much do you love me right now?
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
Randomize
