I can only date guys with blackberrys
I just decided its a new prereq to talk to me
I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
It was so delicious I was introducing it to people. Guy from my psych class was like "This is my girlfriend, Erica," and I was like, "This is my milkshake, Oreo."
The future queen of Norway was pregnant with a druglord's baby when she met the prince. We still have hope.
i just rememebered i spent like 5 minutes on the ground warming some chicks toes.
will i regret this in the morrning? probably. but every decision is good during happy hour
remember that guy i blew in a bathroom in barcelona, i just blew him again in rome. lightning does strike twice.
I don't think I can look at him the same way anymore after he walked in my room wearing a short skirt with a boner.
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
Well while you were being a dick I was taping back together a cougars broken heart
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
Woke up pants less in the vacant apartment across the hall. It was unlocked because they were showing it to someone. When they walked in I woke up and said "this is a great place to live" and walked out
After a beer I realize now I may have shared too much about my obsession with ghosts with my therapist this morning.
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
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