Why does lindsey know I was naked in the kitchen?
we'll penetrate his innocence with our dicks
I can only be a whore so many days outta the week.
Samesies
i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
Found a single cinnamon toast crunch between my butt cheeks. We did work last night
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
Just had a serious discussion with my ex-boyfriend about sexy nurse vs. sexy teacher. So score one for friendship I guess.
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
THIS IS NOT A DECISION I MADE AT ONE IN THE MORNING IM JUST GETTING AROUND TO TELLING YOU ABOUT IT NOW
Yeeeaahhh, I'm in no rush to dismiss a level 6 booty-call that pays my bar tabs and understands my Harry Potter obsession.
I am going home. I have pee on my pants. Rachel is driving and I and drunk. It is not Rachels pee. It is my pee.
The moral of the story is this:the last shot of the night is always a mistake
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
Last time I was blackout at Cowbells I was running around screaming “WHERES THE BLOOOWWWW”
Randomize
