Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
When she showed me how she could touch her toes without bending her knees, suddenly her face didn't worry me quite as much.
Making and watching you take a mixed shot with vodka, chocolate syrup, tobasco sauce, cranberry juice, and sundried tomato juice wasnt the highlite of my night. Hearing you puking from downstairs was.
Just wondering did you put mouse traps and brownies on my porch?
I can always make him wear a mask... I'll tell him it's a fetish.
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
I just made SCOTCHSICLES. no further info is necessary
A big dick and how quickly they respond to snapchat is all I look for in a guy
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
if you come you're not allowed to wear pants. if you arrive wearing pants you won't be wearing them long.
the last thing I remember is taking a pull of ever clear and chasing it with vodka
Going to give your dick a friendship bracelet.
I'm hearing voices and sirens. I'm scared. I heard a manatee out there.
Randomize
