omg. I had the wrong window open and I accidentaly posted my credit card # on twitter
Whats your twitter name
I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
I just want a better ending for myself. Not walking around with one sock on and my bush hanging out.
If there is a god, you will have pink eye tomorrow.
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
I'm sitting in the corner at the bar with a poolstick in case a brawl breaks out. Some crazy shit is going down and I'm trying to show my feathers like a horny peacock.
Dangr zzzzzzzzone
I'm still finding big obvious chunks of condom around my car.
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
I can't tell if I have the Pizza Hut shits or beer shits
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
Either I'm getting old or the shit show is playing earlier than it used to...
Randomize
