so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
How are you going to pay for strippers in Vegas when you were just begging for McDoubles?
I probably wouldn't hook up with him if I had to deal with more than his penis. i think cumulatively we are up to a minute of actual conversation this week.
I turn the corner to find her walking in the front door in a tee-shirt, two different shoes and no pants. All she said to me was "I'm sad"
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
90 persent of me said don't pee on that fake plant. Buyt i did
I have a new game. It's called "how weird can you act before a guy won't fuck you". I've deducted most guys are willing even if you're batshit insane.
I need a Jamo leash. Just tie it to my wrist and every time you see me reaching for a shot of it, just yank my hand away
I just told him I want him to "take the reins". At least its festive sexting?
It's two in the afternoon, I'm on my third glass of wine and I'm watching Lambchop on youtube. How do you think I feel right now?
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
I know he’s a bad decision but he's casual, his penis is amazing and his technique is on point.
LIKE ALL I WANT TO CURE MY HANGOVER IS PORKROLL AND LIKE 85% OF THIS COUNTRY DOESN'T KNOW WHAT IT IS
He gave me an orgasim so fantastic that I had an asthma attack.
Emergency thong? Check! Suspension bondage is a go!
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