Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
my girlfriend just informed me I need to get tested and so do you
girlfriend?
He told me they were just razor bumps!
She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
Well i just learned hong kong is a country...thank you olympics
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
say penis size is all related to how funny you are and then tell a feminist joke. if she laughs, you got double points, if she slaps you, she probably wasn't going to sleep with you anyway
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
I just know what's gonna happen. I mean. I shaved my legs up to shorts length. But I'm leaving the rest as a sort of makeshift caution tape.
He finally left. I didn't introduce him to the roommate. The sex is bad. I don't want him to feel welcome
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
Btw that $18 I gave you to run around outside naked came out of your wallet.
I no longer have the means to support both a women and an alcohol addiction
Randomize
