the last time I saw her she was leaving the mens bathroom and club rush with her dress inside out. typical tease.
i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
oh i have no idea about his personality. i imagine it's the same as it was- except now combined with a receding hairline and a beer gut
You bring the bicep workout. I'll bring the unscented gentle products. We'll both bring our penises.
I don't remember you taking the condom off last night. Did you just walk home in it ?
HE HAS A CHODE. LIFE IS NOT GOING TO BE EASY FOR HIM.
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
Getting my nails done with Diana... I'm going for the keep your friends close and the girl who's dating the guy you want to fuck closer
Wearing scrubs to buy plan b so I look like I have my life together.
Well, remember that night we took shrooms at graces an had to leave immediately to go home and hold each other on the futon and sob for four hours? That bad...
I know it's anime porn but I promise you the guy looks like Fred Durst
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
I was stuffing my face while buying a brownie and coffee and some kid I fucked came up behind me and said. Someone's hungry.
Randomize
