Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
Pre-game strategy: play thunder by yourself in the shower. Surprisingly, success.
After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.
Through drunken recall, I have managed to bring back awful memories of losing my virginity. And possibly traumatized my niece trying to get her to "learn from my mistakes".
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
He was trying to hotbox the banana suit. Of course we traded him for vodka.
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
With the drought our water bill is skyrocketing. No more shower sex, masturbating, or pretending to be under a water fall after smoking a blunt.
My life has evolved from screwing randos, ok?
Ur here to start shit and I'm here to light that shit on fire
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
Randomize
