U know those big foam mats in the back gym for track?
ya, gonna go have sex there?
No I want one to have wings and pick me up and take me home
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
What's it called where you go to the stripclub with two guys that have both gone down on you...
Tuesday
PA to anyone at the party last night and wondering where your pants are: they are in my backyard.
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
the dude in the apartments across the street got a video of me railing blake on your front steps last night
shit like this is why i dont let you drink vodka anymore ..
I just had sex with the male version of myself. looks, mindset, even our boob to dick ratio was the same
I'll get tired halfway through and end up passed out at a taco shack honestly
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
I will run into the sunset with a fist full of condoms.
A party without a piñata is not a party I want to attend.
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
Randomize
