When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
ok, i just want to know who did it and which end it came out of
Only now do I see "not intended for use on skin" warning. Wonderful. But hey, my dick smells like magic marker.
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
how do you say "fuck me and leave bruises" in italian?
in hindsight, the duct tape banana hammock was a bad idea.
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
The dysfunction is strong in this one.
I can't believe you cupped pat's balls to prove your fake relationship
I JUST HAD TO SNORT THE REST OF MY BAG OF COKE BECAUSE THE BAG RIPPED IN THE WORK BATHROOM.
I'm guessing you feel amazing due to all the caps?
LETS GET THIS SHIT DONE. IM GONNA GET THIS SHIT DONE, FOREVER.
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
The heart wants what the heart wants, and once again it’s a guy with brown hair, wears a chain, and has a nicotine addiction.
Randomize
