Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
barbara walters just said penis...
can someone explain to me why i woke up under a twister sheet
I still havent given him the valentines day card i got him. I feel like just writting...."sorry for the horrible blow job i gave u last night." and just giving it to him.
they shut off the water. shaving my legs with soda. that desperate.
I feel like I'm sitting in a sleigh of puddy. It's not a bathtub though because you need a sleigh to go down a mountain.
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
Do you remember trying to make pizzas with the domino workers last night...while trying to speak their language with them.. spanish?
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
This is not my bathroom and these are not my pants
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
so i realized that he's only my physical relationship and beer is my emotional relationship...
My thoughts mid terrible hookup: do people normally read a magazine right about now?
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
Randomize
