fuck the hobbit
what about unicorns?
fuck those pointy horses
1. Call me if you need ANYTHING. 2. If you get tag teamed, I want details.
Anytime you have a hot, flirty, married woman that wants to ride you like a horse and slap your ass, you've got to do it.
Yeah, but four times?
woke up to the trail of sugar cubes leading to my bed........was i that uncooperative last night
the two person party stopped when i realized that he tried to throw a hammer at my head.
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
Drinking down Plan B with a 5 hour energy. Winding down welcome week in style.
The cabbie told us to at least pretend we weren't doing coke while he was driving
Do you have any idea how horrifying it is to hear your sister and her husband fucking then immediately go down stairs only to hear your parents fucking....... I wish I was Hellen Keller right now.
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
We hotboxed his closet and accidentally lit some of his shirts on fire... do we have a fire extinguisher?
Last night I flashed a car full of people my tits for a bag of pretzels so yeah I'd say I was at least tipsy.
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
Girl i am always here for you. But i am going to have sex now so im going to call you in the morning.
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
Randomize
