He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
They gave me a glowstick necklace to wear so they could locate me if I wandered off into the woods
Only in this snowstorm did have I realized the lengths I'll go to to get laid.
found scuba porn. totally not sexy. life continues to disappoint.
he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
Did the game of beer pong go wrong before or after the cops and fire department showed up?
she's a kindergarten teacher now. The teacher desks are the perfect height for fucking. I'm delaying the break up a few weeks.
shit went down at the bar when this girl with 'morals' totally cock blocked a married guy. she actually kicked IN the bathroom door when they were fucking in there. then we all did shots.
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
WHEN DO I FOLLOW THESE PEOPLE. I WOKE UP THIS MORNING &FOUND TWEETS FROM ILLUMINATI AND "hot shot 6th grader"
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
it was also funny because at one point I woke up with my hands tied with a belt and we were both like what the fuck
No way hahaha I have zero intention of adding him I wanna just join in on a three some but mostly just be there for moral support and snacks
I guess I asked for the two old strippers numbers at the end of the bar and it turned out to be the bartenders mom and aunt...
He just told me I was beautiful, whilst I peed into a cup. If this isn't love I don't know what is.
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