Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
I have demons in me.
I would go down on you faster than GM stock
I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
i just called. the lady was really nice. something tells me my schools clinic gets a lot of calls about chlamydia
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
Running across campus through Hurricane Sandy while hammered and in a slutty cowgirl costume obviously should be top priority tonight
I just rolled an Obama blunt and a Romney shame joint for tonight. Vote wisely.
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
I'm sorry I was just sleeping on the kitchen floor I'm too dead to think
I wiped my ass with some girl's sock, I would honestly admit if I hate Caitlin's sandwich.
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
The man built me a fort. Of course he got laid.
Ugh. My life is a never ending cycle of bad decisions and taquitos.
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
Randomize
