Sometimes to bang a cougar u gotta play wii With her kids
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls
Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter
she asked to have her picture taken with every guy we walked by.
Apparently I took one a huge picture off the wall at the bar and was walking around dancing with it..
Just found an "inspected with pride" sticker on or around my vagina
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
Well, let's see..I held him while he cried for 30-40 minutes, woke up on his couch AND he gave me a ride home in his underwear. Shit show is not even the half of it.
Ice that vagina down, get some coffee, and try not to walk with a limp. It's time to dominate, pull it together
Can we just talk about how awesome I am. I just slept with a new guy while listening to the previous guys bands cd.
Had sex with the Irish bartender in Spain. So that happened.
I got "plug" during family Catch Phrase and struggled to not make a reference to butt plug so I skipped it
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
Well I'm over here squandering a fabulous hair day and radiant complexion
Getting paid in weed to watch a pregnant adult with cooking skills is the TITS
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